The Gambler
I am a gambler.
On my little sisters (twins) 21st birthday, my family and I took them to play Bingo for the first time at an Indian reservation in the Phoenix area. We had a great time, it was the first for me and my sisters, and we decided we liked it. Lorrie, Corrie, PJ and I would go back many times over the following years, sometimes just two of us, sometimes three, or sometimes all of us went. In fact, for my batchlerette party....I wanted to go play Bingo, so that's what we did. I became completely hooked about 6 months after the birthday bingo party when I won two nights in a row. The first night was $800, 2nd night was $600 (split game) and back then, as a single parent, that was a LOT of money to me, so again, I was hooked.
Then my mom decides to give me a CD rom game called "Casino". On this game, they had a 7 card stud table. I started playing it and low and behold, couldn't lose. So I then started playing on Yahoo! with other live players, and surprise surprise, was a winning player there as well. So, to me, the next logical step was with real money on an online poker site. This was about 4 years ago, and the poker site I chose at the time was PokerRoom.com. WOW, what an eye opener. I was such a fish, such a loser, it's comical looking back at it now.
That was when I decided to start playing tournaments, as the money seemed to last longer. I could play for hours instead of just for 10 mins. Also, back then I knew nothing about freerolls except for the daily noon freeroll that PokerRoom offered. There was always about 800 players, and I would play until about 4-5pm, never making the money, but always improving my standing. Towards the end, I was always in the top 10 percentile, but again, never monied in it, as only 1st won ($50).
Due to my proximity to Laughlin, and due to the fact that when we first moved to Kingman I only worked part time as I only had 1-2 clients, I started taking the daily bus that was offered to Kingman residents by River Palms and Flamingo casinos. It was free, and they also gave you a buffett coupon, bingo coupons, and a free roll of nickels! I started going often. This was back in the day when money wasn't very plentiful, so I would go with about $40-$60. It was just for the day, I was always home by 5pm.
As I made more money with my business, I had more discretionary income and thus, gambled more. I would take $100 with me, so on and so on. Some times I would come home broke, other times, I would come home even, and still other times, I would come home flushed.
I enjoy gambling. I like slot machines, I enjoy certain table games, I love poker.
I have been a gambler since the first night my family and I played poker, but yet, noone in my family saw this, choose to ignore it, or didn't think it was a big deal. This includes my husband. So now, because I'm going to more and more B&M tournaments, because I'm going to Vegas and Laughlin more frequently, it finally seems to have dawned on them that hey, Tanya is a gambler! This causes problems. My husband does not gamble, he does not like it, he HATES it. He doesn't understand why people do it, he doesn't understand why I do it. He thinks it's disgusting and although those are the exact words he's used, he's never gone deeper then that.
I can only speculate, as I know what the stereotype is of gamblers, and how gamblers are thought of, etc. I think he's disgusted with me and I think that he thinks I have mental issues, or personality problems, or "something must be wrong with her emotionally or mentally if she can just throw money away so freely". He's mentioned many, many times that we should just light a match and burn the money, as that's what I'm doing to it.
Yet, when I bring home winnings, nothing is said, unless it's a "Good Job" or "Congratulations" or something like that.
This weekend I won a total of about $4800, but I only came home with $3600. So instead of being happy that I made a profit, and that I still came home with about $3500 MORE then what I went with (seriously, I went to Vegas on a very limited bankroll, as I went for the Binion's TOC which was a freeroll) he's upset because I didn't come home with the full $4800, because that's what he would have come home with.
He said to me once before that I wasn't a gambler when he met me, and that I've changed into something that he doesn't like, after being married to him. I contend that I've always been a gambler, he just didn't "see" it because he was just my boyfriend, or he did see it, but choose to ignore it.
I recently posted a poll on RGP to see how other players/gamblers handle non-playing/non-gambling spouses and I'm anxious to see what others think or how others handle the similar problem that I am having.
I am a gambler, and I honestly and truly feel that as long as I am not out of control, as long as the bills are getting paid, and as long as I'm not lying about the money spent or money won to my husband, then it shouldn't be a problem. I enjoy gambling, I love it!! I love the excitement, the atmosphere, the people I meet, the social aspect, the occasional big wins, just DOING it. However, ever since we had our talk back in February, I have been more aware and more conscience of what I'm spending, I'm making sure to never make the same mistake twice and it hasn't been difficult. It's not like I have to constantly moniter myself or I would lose control, I don't. I take care of priorities first and THEN, and only then, do I spend money on gambling/poker. I have ALWAYS been that way, even back when I admitted to Bill that I'd been spending more money on poker then he though, I still always made sure that the priorities were taken care of, so as a gambler, I see nothing wrong with that. What am I missing???
Because this is a poker blog, I can't really see any of my readers disagreeing with the majority of my feelings above, so I ask you...the reader...how do you handle a non-poker-playing or non-gambling spouse? I am anxious to see what others feel about this.
PLEASE keep in mind that it's not a "money" issue, it's a hate gambling vs. love gambling issue.
Comments?
On my little sisters (twins) 21st birthday, my family and I took them to play Bingo for the first time at an Indian reservation in the Phoenix area. We had a great time, it was the first for me and my sisters, and we decided we liked it. Lorrie, Corrie, PJ and I would go back many times over the following years, sometimes just two of us, sometimes three, or sometimes all of us went. In fact, for my batchlerette party....I wanted to go play Bingo, so that's what we did. I became completely hooked about 6 months after the birthday bingo party when I won two nights in a row. The first night was $800, 2nd night was $600 (split game) and back then, as a single parent, that was a LOT of money to me, so again, I was hooked.
Then my mom decides to give me a CD rom game called "Casino". On this game, they had a 7 card stud table. I started playing it and low and behold, couldn't lose. So I then started playing on Yahoo! with other live players, and surprise surprise, was a winning player there as well. So, to me, the next logical step was with real money on an online poker site. This was about 4 years ago, and the poker site I chose at the time was PokerRoom.com. WOW, what an eye opener. I was such a fish, such a loser, it's comical looking back at it now.
That was when I decided to start playing tournaments, as the money seemed to last longer. I could play for hours instead of just for 10 mins. Also, back then I knew nothing about freerolls except for the daily noon freeroll that PokerRoom offered. There was always about 800 players, and I would play until about 4-5pm, never making the money, but always improving my standing. Towards the end, I was always in the top 10 percentile, but again, never monied in it, as only 1st won ($50).
Due to my proximity to Laughlin, and due to the fact that when we first moved to Kingman I only worked part time as I only had 1-2 clients, I started taking the daily bus that was offered to Kingman residents by River Palms and Flamingo casinos. It was free, and they also gave you a buffett coupon, bingo coupons, and a free roll of nickels! I started going often. This was back in the day when money wasn't very plentiful, so I would go with about $40-$60. It was just for the day, I was always home by 5pm.
As I made more money with my business, I had more discretionary income and thus, gambled more. I would take $100 with me, so on and so on. Some times I would come home broke, other times, I would come home even, and still other times, I would come home flushed.
I enjoy gambling. I like slot machines, I enjoy certain table games, I love poker.
I have been a gambler since the first night my family and I played poker, but yet, noone in my family saw this, choose to ignore it, or didn't think it was a big deal. This includes my husband. So now, because I'm going to more and more B&M tournaments, because I'm going to Vegas and Laughlin more frequently, it finally seems to have dawned on them that hey, Tanya is a gambler! This causes problems. My husband does not gamble, he does not like it, he HATES it. He doesn't understand why people do it, he doesn't understand why I do it. He thinks it's disgusting and although those are the exact words he's used, he's never gone deeper then that.
I can only speculate, as I know what the stereotype is of gamblers, and how gamblers are thought of, etc. I think he's disgusted with me and I think that he thinks I have mental issues, or personality problems, or "something must be wrong with her emotionally or mentally if she can just throw money away so freely". He's mentioned many, many times that we should just light a match and burn the money, as that's what I'm doing to it.
Yet, when I bring home winnings, nothing is said, unless it's a "Good Job" or "Congratulations" or something like that.
This weekend I won a total of about $4800, but I only came home with $3600. So instead of being happy that I made a profit, and that I still came home with about $3500 MORE then what I went with (seriously, I went to Vegas on a very limited bankroll, as I went for the Binion's TOC which was a freeroll) he's upset because I didn't come home with the full $4800, because that's what he would have come home with.
He said to me once before that I wasn't a gambler when he met me, and that I've changed into something that he doesn't like, after being married to him. I contend that I've always been a gambler, he just didn't "see" it because he was just my boyfriend, or he did see it, but choose to ignore it.
I recently posted a poll on RGP to see how other players/gamblers handle non-playing/non-gambling spouses and I'm anxious to see what others think or how others handle the similar problem that I am having.
I am a gambler, and I honestly and truly feel that as long as I am not out of control, as long as the bills are getting paid, and as long as I'm not lying about the money spent or money won to my husband, then it shouldn't be a problem. I enjoy gambling, I love it!! I love the excitement, the atmosphere, the people I meet, the social aspect, the occasional big wins, just DOING it. However, ever since we had our talk back in February, I have been more aware and more conscience of what I'm spending, I'm making sure to never make the same mistake twice and it hasn't been difficult. It's not like I have to constantly moniter myself or I would lose control, I don't. I take care of priorities first and THEN, and only then, do I spend money on gambling/poker. I have ALWAYS been that way, even back when I admitted to Bill that I'd been spending more money on poker then he though, I still always made sure that the priorities were taken care of, so as a gambler, I see nothing wrong with that. What am I missing???
Because this is a poker blog, I can't really see any of my readers disagreeing with the majority of my feelings above, so I ask you...the reader...how do you handle a non-poker-playing or non-gambling spouse? I am anxious to see what others feel about this.
PLEASE keep in mind that it's not a "money" issue, it's a hate gambling vs. love gambling issue.
Comments?
posted by "MissT74" | 5:30 PM
9 Comments:
He's an awesome guy, the best I've ever known. However, the problem lies in the compromising. I'm going to be getting what I want, and he's not. So he's not going to be happy, but if I quit poker, then I'm not happy. So how...??? you know what I'm saying??? Bleh...I want to talk to him and really hash it out, but he's on deadlines and doesn't even have time right now, so I'm left feeling miserable and can't even talk about it right now. I think I'll just go to bed, lol.
Tanya,
There are SO many things to speculate on with this issue, and without talking it out with you... speculating is all I can do.
So I will ask, does he have a passion of his own? Besides work? It could be that he sees you so happy doing what you love, and that he's a little jealous because he doesn't have that in his life, and this is his way of dealing with it.
We ALL need outside interests, we all need our own "stuff", we all need our own ways to get excitement in our lives. He NEEDS to get this if he doesn't already have it. (oh yeah I do speak from experience baby!)
The other thing I will say is about the money. I don't know where the extra $1200 went and I of course really do not care and it's none of my damn business.
That said...
I am a gambler. I play poker for a living. So does my partner. Now, if he came home from winning a tournament (yay!) with $1200 less than I expected... I would for sure be questioning him as to where it went. If he came up with a reasonable explanation, sweet. If he came up with a bad explanation... well ok honey, better played next time I guess (I know I would have grumbles but I also trust his judgment pretty much unconditionally). If he came up with no explanation, that just doesn't work.
OK enough random rambling, just one more thing:
He's an awesome guy, the best I've ever known.
That's important. That's worth fighting for.
-Sarah
Tanya,
When I first married, back in 1990, my partner knew I gambled. At the time it was more on horse racing than anything else but I DID gamble for the same reasons as you do. I loved it.
What was first accepted as ok became a BIG problem for my partner to accept and in 1994 we divorced for, as she would say, my addiction to gambling.
Like you the bills got paid and stuff but we just couldn't reconcile the differences in our personalities. I loved to gamble and she hated it.
At the end of the day we are what we are and its unfortunate that your partner can't understand that gambling is a very BIG part of your life, as it is mine!
There is no compromise to be had!
In my experience I lost my wife but in retrospect there was no other way as you can't deny the person you are inside and in the end neither can he!
I hope that you get everything ironed out. I know that this has been the number one stress in your life for a while.
Good luck.
Wow. Let's start with this - you have a great mom. Can I borrow her for a little while? Mine has Alzheimer's and I feel like I know her less and less all the time, but yours reads and comments on your blog! That's amazing!
I'm a theatre guy, and a recent poker player. My wife is also a theatre person, and understands the type of life that theatre folk lead, which is not very different from the life that gamblers lead. For us, what it has come down to is maximizing the value of the time that we spend together, and allowing each other to be free to do other things when we are exploring our other interests. I will admit to having to build up some positive husband equity prior to booking for the WPBT event in December, but we're working towards compromise.
I try to be honest with Suzy about everything, but I don't tell her how much I was up if I don't bring home that much. She doesn't understand that you don't leave a good table just because you have a couple of bad hands, and I can't explain it to her. She appreciates the additional income poker brings us, and doesn't question unless I have losing sessions that affect our everyday life, which fortunately hasn't happened yet.
That's how we handle it, and I hope this ramble was at all helpful.
I must say I am happy with my decision to post this blog, and to also have started that thread on RGP. I have received a lot of valuable advice, suggestions, and comments.
However, I need to stress quite highly that I am NOT at a point where I am willing to lose my husband OVER poker. However, I don't want to lose my husband over following my dreams and my goals.
Bill has come a long way in supporting me in poker, he is tolerant of my trips, my playing time online, etc. I think we're reaching a point though where he's not going to be able to accept it anymore, and that's the difficulties I feel I am facing. I can't continue asking him to bend, bend, bend if I'm not bending at all either, but yet I feel I have to keep asking him that in order for me to follow my dreams/goals.
So the main purpose and point of the thread on RGP and this entry was to find out what others have done/did in a similar situation.
The majority consensus is a major, major talk with Bill, which we've had before....back in January, before I became pregnant. Everything was hashed out then because I had agreed to give up poker once I got it out of my system by making a "go" at it for 6 months. However, once I became pregnant, the compromise that we made was null and void as there was no way he felt comfortable, and to a certain degree I didn't either, of traveling, going to events that I had planned for the first 6 months of the year, etc. etc.
Now I'm at the point where I want to have that same conversation with him, compromising, but I don't think I can promise or offer to give up my dream/goal which is, poker, like I was last year.
It's been a long night for me, a long day is in the works as well, and I can only try to get Bill to see my point, while I try to understand and emphathize with his points. So...where's the middle ground? Sure seems hard, although thank God neither one of us is afraid of hard work. (lol)
I thank everyone for their comments and will update later.
YES, thank you Jasper for quoting my RGP post. I sometimes forget that Mom is not an RGP'r (or even know what that means, LOL)
Mom, I love you with all my heart and I was so touched that you actually responded to the blog, let alone the next morning after I posted it. That shows me that you DO keep up with my blog. ; )
Love ya!!
Oh LORDY...it's going to be "hook me up with your Mom, Tanya" any minute now.
LOL
I never mentioned she was single, did I???
I guess I have to play the devils advocate with this issue. You may have read my blog and noticed I have VERY similar issues. I am a huge gambler, and my husband is not (to say the very least). What I have to say is this....
I don't think there is a compromise. If he hates it, then he hates it and there really isn't one damn thing you can do about it unfortunately. He may never understand what you are doing, he may never like it. The only thing he can do is love you despite your gambling.
After many months, and much counseling that is what my husband has chosen to do. Yes, I have a limit on what I can spend (a limit that I have put on myself as to avoid fights) but everytime he comes home and sees me online I still get the same eye rolling and a bit of anger, but he keeps quiet about it, and because of that I don't get on him about the little shit that annoys me about him.
I am also going to ride the "I love your mom bandwagon" and say that she knows you better than anyone and she brought up a couple of good points. I know you're not willing to lose your husband, but if he is as unhappy as you say there may be nothing you can really do about it except give up your dream (which I DO not recomment). It sounds like even if you win the Main Event he wouldn't be that happy, because when it comes down to it, its not the money, just the gambling itself.
I chose to tone it down a bit, and only gamble 3 days a week, and give him the other 4, maybe that will work for you two. Either way, I wish you the best!
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