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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Compromising

WOW...the feedback, both positive, neutral, and negative has been pouring in through RGP and comments on my blog. I appreciate everyone's viewpoints, whatever they were, and let's face it...sometimes you just need a kick in the ass to remember what is truly and really important in your life.

My number one priority has always been my daughter. I was a single parent for 9 years, and nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more important to me then her. So the first step on the agenda was to have a discussion with her regarding my poker and how she felt about it.

So, I took her out to dinner tonight, just me and her, and this was after the talk that I had with Bill. I'll summarize that first.

Bill, as it surprisingly turns out, does not have a problem with my playing poker. He feels, and I agree, that he has made a remarkable come around from where he was in regards to how he felt about poker two years ago. He does, however, have a problem with what he considers "gambling". That is slot machines and table games, he doesn't understand the need, the want, to simply "throw money away" and has no respect for anyone who gambles. Sitting at a slot machine is done only by stupid people. While I can understand his feelings, I don't agree, as I LIKE "gambling". I don't know why, I don't know if there's underlying issues on "why" but there you have it.

He has three issues, and three issues only. I am summarizing as best as possible from his words:

1. Cherissa: She is 13 now, and at a critical time in her life. She needs her mother. There are things that she will need me for that she won't feel comfortable talking about with her daddy, and what's going to happen...who will she turn to, if I am not available because I'm not home? This was Bill's primary concern as he sees her mood and her behaviour when I'm not home and the girl just plain misses me when I'm gone. The biggest problem is when I tell her when I'll be home, and then I extend my trip by a few hours or even the night, the dissapointment is evident on her face...and he sees that. He has to deal with her and her dissapointment at that time, and I don't, because I'm not home.

2. The Nest Egg: As as smart person knows, a nice nest egg to be able to fall back on is very, or should be, very important to any responsible adult. We have a "small" nest egg, but not one big enough to make him feel comfortable. The nest egg that we do have is comfortable to me, because it's still a lot bigger (A LOT) then I ever had as a single mother, so I never understood his issues or reasonings for a larger one as simply put, I never HAD one. So the one we have now seems fine to me, but to him it's unacceptable. I feel this has a LOT to do with our backgrounds and how we were brought up and while I understand his feelings, and I agree that the larger the nest egg, the better, I just don't put it on as important scale as he does because of my past. I will be working on this, changing my viewpoints on it, and together we will build the nest egg up to what he felt he would be comfortable with, and that should be easily achieved before the new year.

3. The gambling. In his mind he cannot picture #2 happening above if I'm gambling. He states that if we had the nest egg, and had "tons" of money (as he put it) then fine, go play the slot machine, but at this point, because we don't have the nest egg as large as he would like it, he detests gambling and the need for me to simply "throw" away money.


That was it. Those were his only concerns, but they were concerns big enough to cause him to lash out in frustration against poker and gambling when it turns out, those weren't even an issue to him. In his words, regarding poker: "In five years? Go! Go out and do whatever you want...go travel the world, go travel the circuit, DO IT. But NOT now, now is not the time with Cherissa being 13, going into teenage years and needing her Mom."

Now, onto Cherissa. Cherissa had a few concerns, but not major ones. Her biggest concern was the amount of time I spend online playing poker. The trips don't really bother her too much except for in two situations. She stated that the first few hours after I left bothered her because then she felt lonely, but after that she's fine. She is always in a bubbly, good mood when I call her from my trips, and she's always looking forward to my return. The other issue was when I tell her when I'll be home, and then I'm not home at that time, or even worse, not home until the next day.

I asked her outright if she would like for me to quit poker until she's out of high school and her words were: "Oh, gosh, NO! I want you to play poker, I want you to follow your dreams, I just want to be more involved." She does have concerns about what if something came up while I was gone and she needed me because she didn't feel comfortable going to Daddy about them, but we discussed that as well.

So the compromising began:

1. I will not play online poker until after 8pm at night.

2. We will no longer have a "Family Night" (which was Tuesdays) because EVERY night will now be a family night. When she gets home from school, she is to do her homework, and then she is to help me cook dinner. (This will serve two purposes. 1. I won't be ordering out so much, we'll save money, and I'll be providing a home cook meal to the family EVERY night and 2. She will be learning how to cook so that she's not TOTALLY inempt once she's out of the house. I've taught her some, but she's old enough now where she can learn more difficult dishes.)

3. When I travel I am to be home by 8pm Sunday night, so that we can have a good hour to catch up on the weekend together, before she goes to bed. The only exception will be if I had to fly somewhere, then she will be allowed to stay up until 10:30pm, if I'm to be home by that time. If I will be home later then that, then she has to go to bed and will see me in the morning. This situation would have less frequently as I don't fly to places much, it's the traveling to Vegas and being home later then her bedtime when I'm only a 2 hour drive away.

4. Weekends playing poker online is negotiable for that particular weekend as she may have plans, and we will defer to her. (After our talk tonight, she's already made plans to go camping with one of her girlfriends family for that friends birthday, and this worked well as we already made our family plans which was to go to Prescott on Friday, leaving her free for Saturday/Sunday for her friends birthday trip.

5. I am to avoid "gambling" as much as possible. In Bill's eyes, gambling is slot machines and "carnival" games (table games). He does NOT consider poker as gambling (Took me 2 years to convince him of that, but he's totally on the poker being a game of skill with some chance vs. a game of chance bandwagon)

6. Whenever possible, I am to take her on trips with me. Whether it's a tournament in the Bahamas or in Paris or in Laughlin or in Vegas. If I can take her with me (which means Bill, my mom, a sister, whomever...goes with us for her) then I am to do that, and as she stated, this will make her feel more involved and that she wouldn't feel so "far away" from me.

That's where we ended the night. It was a long night, but a good one. I feel a lot better and I'm hoping it all works out as described above. We all agreed to revisit the issue in 3 months to see how it's working out. We also agreed that it's going to be a major change in our lives, as we've lived the past 4 years as a family unit NOT doing what was described above, so we agreed to have patience and tolerance of slip ups.

Cherissa also made the rule that if I broke rule #3 from above, that she would be able to ground me. The punishment? A weekend without poker.

I agreed.

13 Comments:

Blogger ukpoker said...

Erins comments to your previous posting were very valid.

What happens if you ever win 'BIG' playing poker? It's never happened to me...a few k here and there but nothing that would change my life...but it MAY! Then what?

I've always envisaged giving up my day job...joining the circuit...playing the tour etc etc. As I LOVE to gamble my partner always says that if I ever win $1M I'd probably drop everything and suddenly become a totally different person!

I tell her I won't but can I be sure? Hell no!

Its good to see that you've sat down and talked about things with your family. I've done this many times with my partner but after a while it all becomes forgotton and we're back to where we started.

All the best with it but it'll be interesting to see just how may of the points you've created are still reality by Xmas never mind February!

Nice to see your mum reads all these posts so I'll just say...hi Tanya's mum from Ireland!

2:49 AM  
Blogger Nick said...

I'm very pleased to see that you really took C's feelings into consideration here. You do seem like a good egg, T.

5. I am to avoid "gambling" as much as possible. In Bill's eyes, gambling is slot machines and "carnival" games (table games). He does NOT consider poker as gambling (Took me 2 years to convince him of that, but he's totally on the poker being a game of skill with some chance vs. a game of chance bandwagon)

I've never read all of your posts and I'm not an RGP poster, so just out of curiousity, do you consider poker gambling?

I do consider it gambling, though with a potential for +EV. My rule has always been to have a low stop loss (1/2 of my standard poker buy-ins) on -EV games.

My bride doesn't acknowlege +EV v. - EV (math is hard!) but she knows that I come home from playing poker with the same or more money than I left with the majority of the time. Her stop loss on video poker is $20.00/day. Vegas and AC mean a lot of shows for us ;^).

4:15 AM  
Blogger Fat Dan said...

Tanya -
hate to try and throw a wrench in this, but where does your husband come in? I mean you know what pisses him off and what doesn't, but do you have time to make him happy in your schedule. It looks like with work, poker and the time you have set aside for your daughter there is no time for him. I just wanted to remind you that he should get some designated time with you as well. Good to see you are working it out.

i had a similar talk with my wife recently. She doesn't mind me playing poker she just gets mad when i don't spend time with her.

5:12 AM  
Blogger Mom said...

Well Little Girl, I see you have your mothers talent for negotiating or should I say creative reasoning. If you put your mind to it and do as you have suggested I want you to know YOU CAN AND WILL HAVE IT ALL! It's a small compromise but in the end you have a great husband who loves and supports you, a fantastic daughter (my grand daughter) that wants you to follow your dreams and loves you so much she wants to be with you, a family unit that will only get better as the years go by, and the opportunity to follow your dream and play poker, maybe not as much as you'd like, but at least you get to play. See girl, I knew you could do it! I'm hoping and praying for the best. Oh and on those trips, the hell with your sisters, mom better get first invitation.
Love You

6:19 AM  
Blogger Mom said...

I wanted to thank Erin for her compliment on how I raised my daughter. It was hard at times but the end result is that I do have a great daughter, a super mom to my grand daughter and good wife to my son in law Bill. Now as to Welshman and Jasper there is no need to stand in line...I have time for both of you. Lets start by who lives closest to Phoenix? And Tanya, you're right I don't know about RGB or whatevee those letters were, but I noticed that ukpoker has a picture on his comment box, how do I put my picture on there?
Talk to you all later...gonna get some work done today...LOL

6:28 AM  
Blogger FellKnight said...

Tanya,

I am very happy that you have come up with such an elegane solution, and I truly hope that it works out for you.

Mom,

To put up a picture, do the following:

1. Take a digital picture of yourself, and save it to your computer (or use a scanner on a regular picture).

2. Go to www.blogspot.com and login.

3. On the right, you will see an empty picture box that says "Add your photo here by editting your profile". Click that.

4. Scroll down to "Photo URL", and click the link to the right which says: "Find out how to get free photo hosting".

5. Click the "Download" button on the left of this new page.

(You may have to download a specific file here, I cannot do this at work, so it may get a bit fuzzy here)

6. When the box opens asking you to "Save As" or "Open", click "Open". Once the download completes, everything should happen automatically (all you need to do it keep clicking "Next"), by installing the program to your computer.

7. Open the "Hello" Program, and follow the instructions therein to take the photo that you have saved to your computer and have it hosted online.

8. Finally, go back to the blogger webpage where you clicked the "Find out how to get free photo hosting" button, and enter the website address where the "Hello" program saved your picture (should look something like this: http://www.blogger.com/profile/xxxxxxx (where xxxxxxx is a number).

Hope this helps.

Jordan

9:02 AM  
Blogger "MissT74" said...

Jordan,

You are so sweet to give those directions to my Mom.

However, I am sitting here LAUGHING MY ASS OFF (no offense, Mom) because there is no way in HELL that she will be able to do it. (Mom...you KNOW this!!!)

Don't worry though, I wouldn't be able to do it either. Kind of like foreign language, huh Mom??

9:06 AM  
Blogger Mom said...

Well I printed the directions. I already have a pic on my yahoo profile and it's saved on my computer already. However, my computer is in california where I will be this weekend and will pick it up. Now if I can get my other son in law to help, he can probably follow these instuctions and do it for me, and if that's the case WA LA I'll have my pic up and running by next week. If not well you're right I don't understand a damn thing Jordan told me, but I do appreciate it. What a great bunch of people Tanya, but I'm concerned...I have not yet heard from welshman or Jasper. Did I run them off?

9:57 AM  
Blogger "MissT74" said...

Probably not. It's simply a new blog entry with new comments.

However, let's not hi-jack Tanya's blog for "Date My Mom". Geesh.

; )

T

9:59 AM  
Blogger "MissT74" said...

UK,

What if?? If I do win a "big" one, then I go pro full time, with the money to be able to take the family with me when I travel.

Heck, we may even move to Vegas at that point.

The issues are because I haven't "made it" yet, so once I do, then the situation is re-evaulated and a new chapter in our lives would begin.

Let's face it, 1 million is not what it used to be. Take away 40% for taxes, and you're really only left with enough to buy a house or put in the poker bankroll after splurging a little bit, and of course, taking care of savings. So, honestly, a 1 million dollar win wouldn't change much except maybe where we live.

T

10:02 AM  
Blogger FellKnight said...

Blah... I tried to keep it as simple as possible :)

Computers suck!

Jordan

2:01 PM  
Blogger ukpoker said...

Tanya,

40% tax...sheesh. Here in Europ all winnings derived from gambling activities are TAX FREE!

You Americans really do have it tuff! :)

1:26 AM  
Blogger FellKnight said...

Clearly, the IRS sucks. :)

Fell

7:38 AM  

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