Compromising

WOW...the feedback, both positive, neutral, and negative has been pouring in through RGP and comments on my blog. I appreciate everyone's viewpoints, whatever they were, and let's face it...sometimes you just need a kick in the ass to remember what is truly and really important in your life.

My number one priority has always been my daughter. I was a single parent for 9 years, and nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more important to me then her. So the first step on the agenda was to have a discussion with her regarding my poker and how she felt about it.

So, I took her out to dinner tonight, just me and her, and this was after the talk that I had with Bill. I'll summarize that first.

Bill, as it surprisingly turns out, does not have a problem with my playing poker. He feels, and I agree, that he has made a remarkable come around from where he was in regards to how he felt about poker two years ago. He does, however, have a problem with what he considers "gambling". That is slot machines and table games, he doesn't understand the need, the want, to simply "throw money away" and has no respect for anyone who gambles. Sitting at a slot machine is done only by stupid people. While I can understand his feelings, I don't agree, as I LIKE "gambling". I don't know why, I don't know if there's underlying issues on "why" but there you have it.

He has three issues, and three issues only. I am summarizing as best as possible from his words:

1. Cherissa: She is 13 now, and at a critical time in her life. She needs her mother. There are things that she will need me for that she won't feel comfortable talking about with her daddy, and what's going to happen...who will she turn to, if I am not available because I'm not home? This was Bill's primary concern as he sees her mood and her behaviour when I'm not home and the girl just plain misses me when I'm gone. The biggest problem is when I tell her when I'll be home, and then I extend my trip by a few hours or even the night, the dissapointment is evident on her face...and he sees that. He has to deal with her and her dissapointment at that time, and I don't, because I'm not home.

2. The Nest Egg: As as smart person knows, a nice nest egg to be able to fall back on is very, or should be, very important to any responsible adult. We have a "small" nest egg, but not one big enough to make him feel comfortable. The nest egg that we do have is comfortable to me, because it's still a lot bigger (A LOT) then I ever had as a single mother, so I never understood his issues or reasonings for a larger one as simply put, I never HAD one. So the one we have now seems fine to me, but to him it's unacceptable. I feel this has a LOT to do with our backgrounds and how we were brought up and while I understand his feelings, and I agree that the larger the nest egg, the better, I just don't put it on as important scale as he does because of my past. I will be working on this, changing my viewpoints on it, and together we will build the nest egg up to what he felt he would be comfortable with, and that should be easily achieved before the new year.

3. The gambling. In his mind he cannot picture #2 happening above if I'm gambling. He states that if we had the nest egg, and had "tons" of money (as he put it) then fine, go play the slot machine, but at this point, because we don't have the nest egg as large as he would like it, he detests gambling and the need for me to simply "throw" away money.


That was it. Those were his only concerns, but they were concerns big enough to cause him to lash out in frustration against poker and gambling when it turns out, those weren't even an issue to him. In his words, regarding poker: "In five years? Go! Go out and do whatever you want...go travel the world, go travel the circuit, DO IT. But NOT now, now is not the time with Cherissa being 13, going into teenage years and needing her Mom."

Now, onto Cherissa. Cherissa had a few concerns, but not major ones. Her biggest concern was the amount of time I spend online playing poker. The trips don't really bother her too much except for in two situations. She stated that the first few hours after I left bothered her because then she felt lonely, but after that she's fine. She is always in a bubbly, good mood when I call her from my trips, and she's always looking forward to my return. The other issue was when I tell her when I'll be home, and then I'm not home at that time, or even worse, not home until the next day.

I asked her outright if she would like for me to quit poker until she's out of high school and her words were: "Oh, gosh, NO! I want you to play poker, I want you to follow your dreams, I just want to be more involved." She does have concerns about what if something came up while I was gone and she needed me because she didn't feel comfortable going to Daddy about them, but we discussed that as well.

So the compromising began:

1. I will not play online poker until after 8pm at night.

2. We will no longer have a "Family Night" (which was Tuesdays) because EVERY night will now be a family night. When she gets home from school, she is to do her homework, and then she is to help me cook dinner. (This will serve two purposes. 1. I won't be ordering out so much, we'll save money, and I'll be providing a home cook meal to the family EVERY night and 2. She will be learning how to cook so that she's not TOTALLY inempt once she's out of the house. I've taught her some, but she's old enough now where she can learn more difficult dishes.)

3. When I travel I am to be home by 8pm Sunday night, so that we can have a good hour to catch up on the weekend together, before she goes to bed. The only exception will be if I had to fly somewhere, then she will be allowed to stay up until 10:30pm, if I'm to be home by that time. If I will be home later then that, then she has to go to bed and will see me in the morning. This situation would have less frequently as I don't fly to places much, it's the traveling to Vegas and being home later then her bedtime when I'm only a 2 hour drive away.

4. Weekends playing poker online is negotiable for that particular weekend as she may have plans, and we will defer to her. (After our talk tonight, she's already made plans to go camping with one of her girlfriends family for that friends birthday, and this worked well as we already made our family plans which was to go to Prescott on Friday, leaving her free for Saturday/Sunday for her friends birthday trip.

5. I am to avoid "gambling" as much as possible. In Bill's eyes, gambling is slot machines and "carnival" games (table games). He does NOT consider poker as gambling (Took me 2 years to convince him of that, but he's totally on the poker being a game of skill with some chance vs. a game of chance bandwagon)

6. Whenever possible, I am to take her on trips with me. Whether it's a tournament in the Bahamas or in Paris or in Laughlin or in Vegas. If I can take her with me (which means Bill, my mom, a sister, whomever...goes with us for her) then I am to do that, and as she stated, this will make her feel more involved and that she wouldn't feel so "far away" from me.

That's where we ended the night. It was a long night, but a good one. I feel a lot better and I'm hoping it all works out as described above. We all agreed to revisit the issue in 3 months to see how it's working out. We also agreed that it's going to be a major change in our lives, as we've lived the past 4 years as a family unit NOT doing what was described above, so we agreed to have patience and tolerance of slip ups.

Cherissa also made the rule that if I broke rule #3 from above, that she would be able to ground me. The punishment? A weekend without poker.

I agreed.